Disclaimer: This post was written not long ago, but the situation has (unfortunately) come up a few times recently, so I finally decided to go ahead and post it. It is NOT describing any one incident or situation, but a composite of past experiences with present.
Things are going pretty well. Life is hectic and busy, but mostly with good things. Family simchas, friends' simchas, spending time with good friends, going to shiurim, all sorts of good things. There are some frustrations, some stresses--who doesn't have them?--but eventually they're resolved and life goes on. All in all, life is good.
Right?
In a matter of minutes, my mood turns from happy and content to miserable and doubting. I start to wonder, did I do the right thing? Was that my place? Should I have said something differently, done something differently? Should I apologize, will they think I'm pathetic or crazy if I do? Am I pathetic or crazy if I do? Surely this is all in my head, but how should I know? Maybe I'm not imagining things, who knows?
Yes, my friends, life is fun when your emotions turn on a dime. The illusion of functionality I've worked so hard on flies right out the window, and I find my eyes filling with remorseful tears over an imagined infraction. It's no one's fault but mine--nothing anyone else did or didn't do caused this mood, and no one can really change it but me. And I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not making any sense at all, but at the same time, the knowledge doesn't change the sinking feeling in my stomach, the ache in my heart.
And the worst part is, I KNOW that I'm not making sense, but that doesn't help. And all I can do is daven that Hashem straighten out my thoughts, and that I'll feel better in the morning.
Most of the time, I'm not like this...not anymore, anyway. I think that's why these moods take me by surprise. I'm not prepared for them. Not that it's any more fun to deal with them when you are prepared, but it's far more disconcerting when they come out of absolutely nowhere. I get used to being happy most of the time, and when I'm not happy, there being just cause. And no matter how much I try to build myself up in that time, when I'm feeling pretty good and my underlying insecurities aren't acting up too much, somehow I'm always thrown for a loop when this happens.
At least, thank G-d, I did feel better in the morning. But what about next time...?
P.S. I also posted a new poem, which I wrote a few days ago but only worked up the nerve to post now. It's not my best, but I felt like putting it out there anyway.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Aseh l'cha rav
In Pirkei Avot 1:6 it says, "Aseh l'cha rav, u'kneh l'cha chaver, v'hevei dan et kol ha-adam l'chaf zechut." Now I don't know about all my readers out there, but most of the time I hear this mishna quoted, it's because the speaker is trying to get to the end, about being dan l'chaf zechut. Usually there are one or two sentences devoted to the first two things on the list and the rest of the drasha/d'var Torah goes on to tell us how we need to devote our efforts to judging others favorably. All well and good--judging others favorably is definitely an important middah and mindset to cultivate. But I'm finding that in this crazy, mixed-up world, so many people are trying to muddle through on their own, without any real guidance other than the occasional chat with friends. Whatever happened to "Aseh l'cha rav"?
Do you have a rav, rebbetzin, or someone else you go to for hadracha? To ask shailas, or to ask advice on life and all the craziness it entails? Just to chat with, to make sure your life is headed in the direction you want it to be going? If you do, how did you find him or her, and if not, why do you think you don't have one?
For halachic questions, I usually still go to the rabbi of the shul I grew up in; in matters of practical observance, I know that he's fairly close to where I'm holding, and I'm comfortable approaching him. However, for hadracha and to just generally speak my mind and get good advice, I talk to a woman I know in Lakewood--I'll call her Shula Schwartz. And Shula Schwartz, for all intents and purposes, is my rebbetzin.
Now, how did this happen, you ask? How did I, Scraps, a RW-MO (though I hate labels, that's the closest to fitting) single girl living on my own, end up with a mentor who's a rebbetzin living in Lakewood with a kollel husband and three kids? And how in the world does Shula have any way to relate to me and my life when she lives in such a different world?
The first thing I will tell you about Shula is that she is probably one of the most giving and least judgmental people that I know. She teaches her children to be the same way--to look at people from the inside-out, not to judge by appearances, to appreciate what each person has to share with the world no matter how "more" or "less" frum they are, but at the same time to be happy living the way they do and serving Hashem in the way they are being raised. I originally met Shula through going on shabbatons in Lakewood when I was in college; she organizes these special shabbatons for college girls (mostly from Stern, but usually a few from other schools as well) who want to spend a nice, spiritually-oriented Shabbos in a warm environment. It's a project she's been running on an ongoing basis with no financial backing for over ten years now, with no sign of stopping anytime soon! She finds housing and meals, she cooks for up to 30 people at a time, and she doesn't even charge the cost of all the food and supplies she buys for the shabbatons, just a token charge to offset the costs a bit. And this is just what she does for the shabbatons! Shula also works in a Hebrew school for non-religious kids, she gives regular shiurim to local high school girls, and somehow she also manages to hold down a regular job and raise a family in a beautiful, Torah-oriented home.
This, then, is the woman I go to for guidance. Though Shula doesn't live in my world, nor I in hers, I still find that I can relate to her and she can relate to me. She is patient, insightful, and understanding. As I mentioned above, she is very non-judgmental, which helps a lot to put me at ease talking to her. And I know that no matter what I'm discussing, she is looking at the situation from the standpoint of Torah and serving Hashem in the best way we each can, which is the kind of mindset I want to have. Also, one night recently she called me up just to chat, instead of the other way around, and I ended up spending the better part of the conversation instead telling her all of the various joys, frustrations, life events, and stresses going on in my life, talking everything out with her...and at the end of the conversation (well past one in the morning!) she actually thanked me! She said that talking to me was actually a favor to her, since it enabled her to stay awake and clean the house at the same time she was talking to me. So of course, I assured her that if she was ever in need of such favors in the future, she should feel free to call again. ;-) She is truly one of the most special people I know. And I'm so glad that I have someone in my life with whom I really feel comfortable talking and getting advice from in this crazy, crazy world...
Do you have a rav, rebbetzin, or someone else you go to for hadracha? To ask shailas, or to ask advice on life and all the craziness it entails? Just to chat with, to make sure your life is headed in the direction you want it to be going? If you do, how did you find him or her, and if not, why do you think you don't have one?
For halachic questions, I usually still go to the rabbi of the shul I grew up in; in matters of practical observance, I know that he's fairly close to where I'm holding, and I'm comfortable approaching him. However, for hadracha and to just generally speak my mind and get good advice, I talk to a woman I know in Lakewood--I'll call her Shula Schwartz. And Shula Schwartz, for all intents and purposes, is my rebbetzin.
Now, how did this happen, you ask? How did I, Scraps, a RW-MO (though I hate labels, that's the closest to fitting) single girl living on my own, end up with a mentor who's a rebbetzin living in Lakewood with a kollel husband and three kids? And how in the world does Shula have any way to relate to me and my life when she lives in such a different world?
The first thing I will tell you about Shula is that she is probably one of the most giving and least judgmental people that I know. She teaches her children to be the same way--to look at people from the inside-out, not to judge by appearances, to appreciate what each person has to share with the world no matter how "more" or "less" frum they are, but at the same time to be happy living the way they do and serving Hashem in the way they are being raised. I originally met Shula through going on shabbatons in Lakewood when I was in college; she organizes these special shabbatons for college girls (mostly from Stern, but usually a few from other schools as well) who want to spend a nice, spiritually-oriented Shabbos in a warm environment. It's a project she's been running on an ongoing basis with no financial backing for over ten years now, with no sign of stopping anytime soon! She finds housing and meals, she cooks for up to 30 people at a time, and she doesn't even charge the cost of all the food and supplies she buys for the shabbatons, just a token charge to offset the costs a bit. And this is just what she does for the shabbatons! Shula also works in a Hebrew school for non-religious kids, she gives regular shiurim to local high school girls, and somehow she also manages to hold down a regular job and raise a family in a beautiful, Torah-oriented home.
This, then, is the woman I go to for guidance. Though Shula doesn't live in my world, nor I in hers, I still find that I can relate to her and she can relate to me. She is patient, insightful, and understanding. As I mentioned above, she is very non-judgmental, which helps a lot to put me at ease talking to her. And I know that no matter what I'm discussing, she is looking at the situation from the standpoint of Torah and serving Hashem in the best way we each can, which is the kind of mindset I want to have. Also, one night recently she called me up just to chat, instead of the other way around, and I ended up spending the better part of the conversation instead telling her all of the various joys, frustrations, life events, and stresses going on in my life, talking everything out with her...and at the end of the conversation (well past one in the morning!) she actually thanked me! She said that talking to me was actually a favor to her, since it enabled her to stay awake and clean the house at the same time she was talking to me. So of course, I assured her that if she was ever in need of such favors in the future, she should feel free to call again. ;-) She is truly one of the most special people I know. And I'm so glad that I have someone in my life with whom I really feel comfortable talking and getting advice from in this crazy, crazy world...
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