Gold

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

~Robert Frost

This is something I have long been afraid of - that gold, which is so elusive to begin with, and so hard-won, will elude me even when it seems to finally be in my hands. Even when I am happy and fulfilled, there is that slight, nagging worry that is looking to the future when that happiness will be lost or taken away. Some things are just too good to be true.

It's a stupid and self-defeating way to go through life, I know. I try not to. And yet, time and time again, my caution has often proven correct. Sometimes, perhaps, one could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I am aware of the danger of that road. I try to self-correct to guard against that.

Once again, gold is in my hands. Once again, I have reason to believe that it might soon be lost. But I have no way of knowing for sure without making it even more likely that I'm right. So instead I nervously await my fate, hoping that I'm wrong but fearing that I'm right. It's like when I sit at home after a really good date, expecting the phone call from the shadchan telling me the guy isn't interested, except that more is at stake than my pride now.

There is very, very little I can do. Mostly what I can do is carry on as usual, as if I am not expecting anything to change. Act normal, and maybe things will continue to be normal.

I hope.